Hvordan selge et band

I lys av kritikken mot Hellfires promoskriv vil jeg gjerne trekke fram et eksempel til etterfølgelse. Dette er hentet fra http://www.myspace.com/weeptheband, det nye prosjektet til en av drivkreftene bak Mors Syphilitica, et ypperlig gothband.

The mostly fake history of WEEP.
Like 1867 or so:
I was in this uber-spooky band with Chris and Lisa. We were all but little children and had a lot to say. All kids do... We said it. We broke up.

Somewhere around the time when the toaster was invented:
Lisa and I did a musical project that probably should have never been made. Certainly it should never have been released. And most definitely should not have been sold. I guess we had something to say... We said it. We broke up.

About a week later:
Lisa and I started another band. She was like the best singer I ever heard, and we had a bunch of dumb ideas. We expressed them on three consecutive CDs. We broke up.

Then fifty years after that:
Lisa and I tried to start a band called "Weep". We had nothing to say but were in the habit of saying it musically. So... We broke up after never forming.

Intermittently:
I was in other people's bands. We either broke up, or I was kicked out for having intimidating genitals.

A few months ago:
Chris and I tried to start another band. Schedules, other musicians, wind currents, and shit like that prevented us from doing anything more than rehearsing twice. Because I'm artistically aggressive (that's the nice way to put it), I wrote a bunch of songs that just sat there after we... Broke up?

Yesterday:
I took the songs from Band No.25, then the name from Band No.15 (I still liked the name and had artwork all ready) and formed "Weep". The songs are too personal, too sentimental, too poorly sung, and made of construction paper (I used gumdrops for the eyes.)

I think it was this morning:
I trashed almost all the stuff that I wrote for the band that never happened. Not sure what I was thinking with like 90% of that. So now I'm recruiting some of my talented friends to make this crap slightly more real. And like double the sexy.

Later in the day:
Alex (my keyboard player) found us a band. I don't know how he did it, but he did. Sexy? Yes, of course. And way better musicians than me. SO! With aplomb, I proudly announce that we are rehearsing with the intention of performing Weep live... Extra soon! You can bet your bippy (located at the base of your spine, I think) that we will barely promote ourselves, and secretly play in every career-ending shit-hole we can find.

A minute ago:
We played said "shit-hole" and rocked the house. Look out world (or our like 25 fans), here comes WEEP!

Og her er hvordan de tigger om konserter:

Weep will play, with few exceptions, any career-ending dump that will let them do so. Weep have shed their thin mantle of pride to do what needs to be done in order to give you a fattening slice of their musical pie. A pie filled with passion, honesty, guitars larger than their wielders, drumming as big as the house your wealthiest friend lives in, bass guitars playing the melody rather than the harmony, keyboards louder than you expected, and mincemeat.... Pie metaphor.
Weep promises to shame the room with their big-bad-sound. Therefore redefining your sense of shame. Supplanting your embarrassing 8th grade Washington Trip blunder with their thunderous sound.
Weep promises to walk you to your door, give you a respectful kiss on the cheek, and not blog about you. Weep will not tell all of Weep's friends the glorious truth that you put-out immediately, and made little "yummy sounds" as you did the sublimely dirty deed. This would make Weep a cad, and in turn, make you resent the heights of pleasure Weep (and Weep alone) was able to bring you to. Sadly, Weep may not call you the next day. This is because Weep wants to come off as cool and aloof. Yet we all know that Weep is eager to please you... Weep will do all of this musically.
Weep will never wear hats on stage.
Weep is completely without marketing savvy and has no idea how to "make-it". Therefore: your love of Weep will never be sullied. You can always enjoy your hip status of loving an underground band.
Weep is shaded by the soft, delusional cloud of self-love. But unlike other narcissists, Weep wants you to compete with their delusion. Weep dares you to love Weep more than Weep loves itself. There are no losers in this musical love-fest, with the exception of those who can't embrace the mighty sound of Weep. Seriously, Weep believes that these soulless monsters are probably jealous... Weep's delusions are boundless!
Weep's music is 98% free of irony. Any stupid thing Weep does is done because Weep thought that it was the best thing to do. Sentimentality? Fuck yeah! Loud keyboards? What of it!? Choruses that pay-off like so many musical orgasms? Damn right! Completely ignoring what is "in"? You know it!
Weep forges your tomorrow wearing pointy old shoes, a new shirt, and trousers made of steel! Weep thinks you get what Weep is trying to say here... Because you are "in" with Weep.
Weep is packaged in a peanut free facility that processes other nuts.
Weep believes that they are your favorite band. Don't tell Weep otherwise. Weep has feelings too.